jpenseur; Introspective Personal Journal, Poetry, and Anthology.

I realized that I have been overinflating my problems. To the extent that it feels like my body is going to explode. It feel pressure I can't contain. I think about why I am like this and I think its because I was conditioned to be. Since I was young I am made to feel that I should live for other people. Live up to their expectations. Both implicitly and explicitly. For me to not be at a certain point in their expectation for my life. My problem of getting there becomes a bigger dragon. I want control over my life but in order for me to do so, I need to block all the external things that dictate what it should look like.

I lost something I held very dear to my heart. It's gone, and I feel like my whole world is going to collapse right now. Every time I start feeling like things are awesome, and things are going great something terrible happens. I hope I can get through this hurdle. Right now, I feel sick to my gut. 

 I am never giving up on myself. 

Being with someone, with someone like me is hard. There's a lot mental gymnastics that comes with relationships that I don't feel equipped for. A lot of trying to prove myself. A lot of burnout. A lot of uncertainty. A lack of reassurance. I want to love but it doesn't feel safe to. It's a shame because there's something about thay kind of love that is so deep. Concentrated. Special. 

 Sunny Disposition

I have a complicated sense of belonging. I always feel like I am at an arms length with people. Close but not close enough for a warm embrace. That's just how it's always been for me. It's never been because I'm not open to closeness, I think it's because I hold up a mirror up to people and that can be a bit unsettling. It makes me unapproachable, and them dangerously transparent. 

 Why is it that some people are so quick to criticize other people lives? Does highlighting someone's struggle in some ways twisted way make their lives better? It's a strange thing to be subjected to that, when I love my life.

The most beautiful feature of the human face are the eyes. I love admiring people's eyes. The eyes tell you things about people they wouldn't explicitly tell you. 

Life is difficult when you wake up everyday thinking 'how can I meet everyone expections of me today?'. It's specially difficult when you have all walls that you have to climb just to even begin.  It's a shame to feel ashamed for trying your best. I wish there is less of a need to want things from me because sometimes I stretch myself so thin, I feel a rip in my heart. 

It is a blessing to have people in your corner.

Nothing is wealthier than a person who has freedom.

You can love people but it doesn't necessarily mean it's good for you to be around them. You will convince yourself that 'that's just how things are between us' or 'it's the dynamic'. I'm sorry to say this to you but that's tolerance. You see it as love but reality is, its never self-love. It's a disservice to you. Why stay when it's not what you want or are looking for? You feel lonely anyways. 

Today is a beautiful day. I shared my blessings with so many people. To be given the opportunity is a blessing in itself. It feels warm. It feels good to the heart. It feels like a new chapter for the soul. 

I'm practicing being more unconcerned with things that I percieved hold meaning to other people despite really not being the case. People are more self-centered than you realize. Knowing that, you can be more free. 

I'm pushing myself to be more comfortable with my own skin. I feel that I can be very self conscious about what I look like. I think I have created an image in my mind of who I am that is misaligned with who I really am. I'm trying to have less of a mask. I'm wanting love myself more by embracing my percieved flaws no matter how uncomfortable or embarrassing that may be. Most people are curious not judging. If they are judging you, what grounds do they really have? Its not about erasure now. It's about acceptance.

The conclusion that I have come up with is that I need a clean slate. I need to just release myself from everything I feel tied down to. 

It's never going to be you all the time, and that's okay. To accept that is to unveil your humility. It's clear. 

Gold is malleable. A precious metal that appreciates the more time and energy you put into refining it. Lustrous in its ability to reveal who people are, it holds its value. This is how I am choosing be. Choosing to see. Potential. Not hindered by a limiting belief, I can be whoever I want to be. Midas hands on my temple my mind is made of gold. Look deep into my thinking, and let go of what you hold. 

A lot of it weighs on me. 

The disparity lies in what I feel and what you think I feel when I leave you behind. I don't hold anything over you. You drift away and the sky is blue. When I leave, I  leave in my entirety. Completely displaced. Wholly new. A lonesome stranger you never knew. To be familiar is to be familiar with everything that had hurt me. It is all to say, that in my inner world, your existence is gone.