If someone or something truly matters to you, love persists despite fear of judgment and failure. Persistence comes in waves; with every splash against your soul, you're called into action. The goal is to swim above your own and others' shortcomings.

 I have lived experiences of what happens when you beat around the bush. It's not worth the heartbreak to assume how things are. I want openness, honesty and clarity.

I realize how little things matter. The less focused I am on others, the bigger I feel. 

It's so sad how conditional everything is. If you're in a horrible life circumstance, you're constantly selling your soul from one party to another to better your situation. No one is willing to help just for the sake of it. 

I put pressure on myself to be liked by as many people as possible. I try to be all sorts of charming, but to be honest, It feels destructive. I can't help but feel like I'm not me. The reason I'm still so performative is that fear that being anything else than charming makes people hate me or not want to be around me. Looks of discontent are particularly deadly. 

I wish I could say I'm fine and be able to mean it. However, I'm not fine. I lost something, or better, I lost someone. It's hard to describe my loss because it's not this isolated thing. It's not some detached tangible thing. I did not just lose a person; I lost a part of me. The portion of me that was made of that person. What's ironic is, I'm now so estranged from this person, yet they will never disappear. I get manic when I see a picture. I get an itch to catch up to this stranger's life. I get flooded with what-ifs. After tunnel vision, I take a step back and realize how sad all this is. I'm left with all this pent-up emotion I need to handle whist the person is seemingly content and happy. It's shitty, but it's real. Way better than some delusion like 'love is in the air.'

Reality truly hits when you realize that joy comes in infrequent increments. No one thing that can make you more elated than a collection of life experiences, sorrow and all. Progress can feel slow, but that's because true fulfillment is quality.