Nousrrhea

I hate my relationship with work or  goals I set out to do. It always starts off good with loads of motivation and joy with the idea of achieving some things potentially great, then gradually, and eventually, I start feeling like it's all pointless. I thought about it while, sort of wondering what cause these sudden shift in my sentiment, and you know, maybe I'm just really insecure. Perhaps, I'm never confident enough make something great. I don't ever feel like I have it in me to be someone people see as successful. I wish for that deeper level of confidence, no more of that superficial performative stuff. 

It's a different kind of pressure to be successful, not for your own sake but for the sake of others. It's almost irresponsible that I am made to be someone's flood barrier when the pressures of their problems and life get too tough to handle. If I am ever in a position to care for somebody, there will never be an expectation to return my kindness because once expectations come into play, that's a transactional relationship. My love is not a paradox. It's almost a test of my independence. I will prove myself not for your sake but for mine. 

I have been feeling bottomless, like a void is inside of me. I think it came about because I started to overexert myself with the idea of looking for love. It's sadenning.  

 I spent some time with my loved ones today. It was great. It made me really happy. 

 You won't beg people to see your value.

I'm scared that I'll always be in this phase of waiting. Waiting for the right person to come. Waiting for the right person to be ready for me. Waiting to have that relationship. There's a point where you feel doubt. I don't want to say everything will work because at the end the way, it's circumstance and chance. I want a chance too.