Once again, I am full of my own company. I have plenty of time to find distractions. Perhaps fashion could complement my acting. I could get really good at smiling and laughing—so good you don't even think I feel sadness. I can go on nature walks, maybe a couple of cafes. I have plenty of time. 

Something like this would surely shut me down, but I am not in a position to indulge in sweet retreat and isolation. I don't have time to be sad, to cry, or have outbursts. I can't afford a reaction. I don't have the energy to spare in proving myself worthy of someone's love and attention. I am at my wits' end. I have been here before, and because of that, this will be the only thing I will give to this situation. 

I feel bad right now, but not the kind of bad that's ensuing. The feelings haven't been fully realized and haven't fully hit me. I think I understand now. When clear signs are delivered by an unclear person, they become unclear signs. I'm hurting for two reasons. 1. The apparent separation and splitting of the heart. I didn't know pears could cut you like a knife. 2. I didn't realize just how poisonous my company was. I'm reasonable. I would have given you grace and walked away if you had told me. I could have started sulking and moving on earlier. 

I have this worry that, at some point, I'll lose my charm, hook, novelty, or whatever aspect I have that makes you attracted to me. I am scared that without all the sparkle I put on, you won't really like what's underneath. I think sometimes I don't believe I'm deserving of love because I see myself in such a negative light. Under all these superficial layers of positivity and loud chatter, my self-concept is: I think I am a very ugly person, someone who can't fit a mould, someone who can't love properly, someone who shouldn't be loved. I want to be someone better for you. The idea of living up to this higher standard I created is very daunting, but I'll do it for you. I just don't want my self-perceived shortcomings to ever drag you down or take your light. I want the best for you, and I will do my very best to love myself a lot more and give you all the love you deserve. 

Anxious. 

I strive to be somebody who is beyond ordinary capability. Someone that always has answers to their worries and anxieties. Somebody always that gets everything they set out to do done. And 'done', not ordinarily, but with thought. Someone that captures life and has a firm hold of it. 

 A ring; precious, easy to hold onto, easily lost.