"Be unassuming. Otherwise, you'll cry."

I can't just not be me.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
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I feel incredibly disrespectful when I'm uncomfortable. I'm too hard on myself. I just so desperately want people around me to be happy. Despite all my effort for genuinity. I avoid eye contact when I joke. Quick entertainment, an excuse for pointless errands. 

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Vincent van Gogh

Me — i.e, jpenseur
Skeleton with a cigarette. We talk with no regret. My heart beats fast in a fishbowl. Yours evident from bone to bone. You bring joy from unexpected places. From texts to peculiar faces. I took a smoke to make some time. To wonder whether your question was benign. I go through the same eb and flows. The question of, am I in love? Or is it just the smoke?
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Meaningless weed extremely root bound in your flower bed of perfect people.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
  Lately, I've been feeling extremely aggravated by how you've been acting. On the few occasions where we can interact, you make an effort to be avoidant. Why is that? What's the point of you being around if we aren't even trying to bond or get along? Am I just overthinking this? Am I simply jealous of what others have with you? You know, I've been very insecure about how I should go about approaching you; it feels like any wrong move will split us farther apart. I know you don't hate me, but I hate this stagnation in our relationship. The root of all this frustration is I can't seem to connect with you, and any effort to try will only make things worse. On top of all that, I think you're purposeful; and the knowledge of my fragility does not bother you. I started feeling like you don't want me at all in any context, like I'm a burden, worthless, just some meaningless weed extremely root bound in your flower bed of perfect people. I feel like an ...
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The Martyr

Me — i.e, jpenseur
I am always apologizing for my feelings. Always giving more than what's good for me. Acts. Always the martyr. Someone who is never at fault and always devout. False. I am forever condemned for knowing and seeing more. Holy, you preyed on that. You are false in every sense. Unfeeling. How could you make me carry it all? How dare you indulge in my love and present me with disdain. You have wronged me. May days be dry and lifeless. May thirst and hunger plague. May the mind run wild, driven to insanity. The soul that never finds peace. Agony. Despair. Guilt. Revelation.  Confess your sins. It's always his forgiveness. False.
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Me — i.e, jpenseur
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You can hate me.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
My words were strong, powerful, harsh even, but it was from deep within my heart. I'm always just someone you think about when you have to. If you only acknowledge me when we're face-to-face, I would rather not be acknowledged by you at all. There was never a time where you tried to reach out to me, it was always just me who made an effort. It felt exhausting wanting attention from you. The more we spoke, the more you unraveled. I started questioning whether you only keep me around because you like the attention. I spent many days questioning my value to you. The longer the thought marinated in my head, I realize that objectively, we add very little to each other's lives. We make each other happy, but that's not enough in this world. You would be so much better off with people that can build you up, and that works both ways.
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You make room.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
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Prayed for religion.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
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Me — i.e, jpenseur
 You will be successful. Envision it and you will live it. 
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Wanting every letter in the alphabet.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
Wanting every letter on alphabet is tiring. Wanting it all comes with working harder than most. Wanting it all is balance and sacrifice. How to be better is what I want to know. 'Starting tommorow' is what I throw. Starting tommorow. Starting tommorow. 
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