Today was a very happy day for me.  I don't often feel heightened joy, and the idea is so foreign to me. I think this day of revelation is worth remembering.  I can be sad but I can be very happy too.  There wasn't anything too outstanding but the energy was splendid . I felt at ease, and calm like a warm gentle breeze. I think sometimes I like being an observer just melding into my environment , admiring, and listening.

I think you just have to accept that some relationships are not always meant to be so close and it's not exlcusive to one type of relationship. Sometimes that metaphysical bond or glue that holds people together just fades or is no longer serving its purpose. Bonded to one side. I think you can still hold a lot of love for people even with the distance. 

Thinking about managing mine and other people's emotions is so tiring. I never know how much understanding and empathy to give to people. I think there's a fine line between giving someone the benefit of the doubt or enabling unpleasant behavior. Behavior that harms me.

 I'm cowardly. I can't face it. Why have I stopped trying. 

The autonomy to choose each other despite the fear of loss. Gentle and beautiful. 

I feel the need to withdraw from people sometimes, especially when they catch me off guard by their shadows. Sweating, rapid heartbeat, and diffulty breathing are all the common symptoms. My bedroom has a lot of natural light and so I give myself a break sometimes. Closing my eyes, bathing in sunlight and listening to Elliot Smith . Self-preservation , because the world is cruel to a logician . Tears , because I have a hard time coping with needing self-preservation. Paint , because tears and self-preservarion means I don't have to be an ugly person in cruel world. 

It's not fair to yourself to fixate on other's actions, or lack of. Let them be as they are. Let them do as they please. Live your life in service to yourself. 

I don't feel like myself lately. I have such a bad outlook of people. I understand no one is perfect but I'm having trouble reasoning or justifying how cruel people can be. I need a change of setting. Somewhere far way where disappointment has no face. 

I am unsure if being in relationship is planned out for me by some greater power. If it is, here are all my hopes for who may come along. I hope to love someone that is patient. I hope to love someone that teaches me how to how to open up, and be more vulnerable with my emotions. I hope to love someone who encourages me. I hope to love someone that communicates their needs clearly. I hope to love someone who feels as deeply as I do. I hope to love someone who understands my motivations. I hope love someone that makes me feel at ease. I hope to love someone who sees the world as I do.

I found myself extremely sad in some moments of my otherwise sunny day today. I kept thinking about why I'm treated so poorly by people I give pieces of my trust to. Pieces of my love.  I thought about the many ways I lack. The many ways I could be unintentionally triggering their dissatisfaction of me.  Trigger a motivation to hurt some part me. Today, my eyes were welling with insecurity. If I could be less annoying maybe? More docile maybe? Perhaps I am too naive , uninteresting, stupid?  I thought about the many ways I could hate myself. It felt kind of hard to breathe and I wanted to dissappear. I don't want to be around people that would treat me poorly so readily. With no second thoughts or third considerations. When longevity fell apart, a was displaced. Meant to go farway. Never to be heard, and never to be seen.  

 See people as experiences, not possessions.

We hardly interact. I don't know much about who you are when no one is looking. I don't understand you or what you want from me. I can't act on contradicting pieces of information. I pull information like pulling petals from a flower, 'loves me, loves me not'. Everybody says different things. In my frame of reference, no rational person acts on bias. I need to know for sure. I don't want to live in fantasy. I don't want to feel stupid.  What I feel right now is that, I don't think there's anything about me, or what I can offer that you would want. That you would hold. That you would cherish. Nothing at all.  I think I will give up on this. My head hurts, and my heart has been hurting also.  Here are the truths: (1) You know how I feel about you. You have that information. It's truly been up to you what you want to do with it. (2) What you show you me is my conclusion. 

I'm not any happier when you are not around. I say I am okay with your absence because, I want it to be on your terms how much you want to give me. I have a hard time telling you that. I don't know how to be vulnerable for anyone but myself. It's not my normal. I'm scared that advocating what I feel will push you away. 

I can't control what people do, but I can control how I react to it. 

My feelings. Intense and confusing. Holding on to off chances. Holding on because I'm im scared to be alone. Holding on because I feel obligated to whom I offered my heart. Love that is fleeting. The image I seek is lost. I can't visualize longevity. All in my imagination, just white sheets and invisible ink. I disappear. I am not getting what my soul needs. I can never answer the question of whether you are losing me, but I what I know is, I am losing you. 

What I have a really hard time accepting is that we protray ourselves in isolated instances of time. I think it's hard to dettach yourself from cool and adventurous things you do. When we come out of our ourselves and be enjoy life the way we think we  should, we have to cope with returning back to our mundane task filled lives. 

I can't place my finger on what I am feeling. I think right now what makes sense to communicate is, I have a lack of feeling . No call to action . Everything I do seems to be out a place of desperation . Not wanting to fade, not wanting to be unimportant, not wanting to be directionless . Tiring. This feeling of inability is normal for me, but it has never lasted this long. I fear that one day this will overtake me. 

Am I a thief of joy ? I think sometimes I can be, and you know what, It's not something I want to be. 

I am surrounded by people who treat me so cruelly. I always try to be kind to people. I show up with respect, joy, and appreciation. I celebrate other's wins. I smile and laugh. I provide comfort in time of crisis, sadness, and grief. Yet despite all this, people treat me like an emotional punching bag. They look at me, and see someone that can never be hurt. Someone that never feels it. Sorrow, pain, humiliation. Someone that can take on all the negativity for comedic relief. A clown to throw all your tomatoes at. I wish people knew, that I feel it too. I get sad when you demean me. I get hurt when you disrespect me. It puts me pain that it's so easy for people to say cruel and ugly things. I am nuanced. I am human. Complex. I let you because I feel immense guilt when I'm brutal. I don't know if I can keep this up any longer. I might need to change how I am. As time passes I'm realizing there's only so much of me that can take this kind of treatment.  A clown i...

Thursday. I reduced my availability. Friday. I took the train to the city. I have been so preoccupied with so much that I forget to breathe sometimes. I'm taking this day to take in life.