"Be unassuming. Otherwise, you'll cry."

Sciophobia & INTP

Me — i.e, jpenseur
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I feel the need to withdraw from people sometimes, especially when they catch me off guard by their shadows. Sweating, rapid heartbeat, and diffulty breathing are all the common symptoms. My bedroom has a lot of natural light and so I give myself a break sometimes. Closing my eyes, bathing in sunlight and listening to Elliot Smith. Self-preservation, because the world is cruel to a logician. Tears, because I have a hard time coping with needing self-preservation. Paint, because tears and self-preservarion means I don't have to be an ugly person in cruel world. 

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Meaningless weed extremely root bound in your flower bed of perfect people.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
  Lately, I've been feeling extremely aggravated by how you've been acting. On the few occasions where we can interact, you make an effort to be avoidant. Why is that? What's the point of you being around if we aren't even trying to bond or get along? Am I just overthinking this? Am I simply jealous of what others have with you? You know, I've been very insecure about how I should go about approaching you; it feels like any wrong move will split us farther apart. I know you don't hate me, but I hate this stagnation in our relationship. The root of all this frustration is I can't seem to connect with you, and any effort to try will only make things worse. On top of all that, I think you're purposeful; and the knowledge of my fragility does not bother you. I started feeling like you don't want me at all in any context, like I'm a burden, worthless, just some meaningless weed extremely root bound in your flower bed of perfect people. I feel like an ...
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Vincent van Gogh

Me — i.e, jpenseur
Skeleton with a cigarette. We talk with no regret. My heart beats fast in a fishbowl. Yours evident from bone to bone. You bring joy from unexpected places. From texts to peculiar faces. I took a smoke to make some time. To wonder whether your question was benign. I go through the same eb and flows. The question of, am I in love? Or is it just the smoke?
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Blurbs of Indication

Me — i.e, jpenseur
I look at you unapologetically. I say outlandish blurbs of indication.  I give gifts right from the heart.  I laugh at your soliloquies. When you went in for a hug, I almost gave in discomfort.  I wish I had raised the white flag.  I don't know much, but I do know one thing. I want things to work out.   
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Prayed for religion.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
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The Martyr

Me — i.e, jpenseur
I am always apologizing for my feelings. Always giving more than what's good for me. Acts. Always the martyr. Someone who is never at fault and always devout. False. I am forever condemned for knowing and seeing more. Holy, you preyed on that. You are false in every sense. Unfeeling. How could you make me carry it all? How dare you indulge in my love and present me with disdain. You have wronged me. May days be dry and lifeless. May thirst and hunger plague. May the mind run wild, driven to insanity. The soul that never finds peace. Agony. Despair. Guilt. Revelation.  Confess your sins. It's always his forgiveness. False.
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You can hate me.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
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You make room.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
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Mind Reader.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
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The story

Me — i.e, jpenseur
If you read me, here's the story... left hanging, I was engulfed with rage and fury for those who take my love and leave others empty.  I told myself, 'Fine, you don't deserve my voice'. I built an electric fence because I took offence. When I look at you. All I can see is all the hurt you brought to me. 
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