"Be unassuming. Otherwise, you'll cry."

Sciophobia & INTP

Me — i.e, jpenseur
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I feel the need to withdraw from people sometimes, especially when they catch me off guard by their shadows. Sweating, rapid heartbeat, and diffulty breathing are all the common symptoms. My bedroom has a lot of natural light and so I give myself a break sometimes. Closing my eyes, bathing in sunlight and listening to Elliot Smith. Self-preservation, because the world is cruel to a logician. Tears, because I have a hard time coping with needing self-preservation. Paint, because tears and self-preservarion means I don't have to be an ugly person in cruel world. 

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Meaningless weed extremely root bound in your flower bed of perfect people.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
  Lately, I've been feeling extremely aggravated by how you've been acting. On the few occasions where we can interact, you make an effort to be avoidant. Why is that? What's the point of you being around if we aren't even trying to bond or get along? Am I just overthinking this? Am I simply jealous of what others have with you? You know, I've been very insecure about how I should go about approaching you; it feels like any wrong move will split us farther apart. I know you don't hate me, but I hate this stagnation in our relationship. The root of all this frustration is I can't seem to connect with you, and any effort to try will only make things worse. On top of all that, I think you're purposeful; and the knowledge of my fragility does not bother you. I started feeling like you don't want me at all in any context, like I'm a burden, worthless, just some meaningless weed extremely root bound in your flower bed of perfect people. I feel like an ...
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Blurbs of Indication

Me — i.e, jpenseur
I look at you unapologetically. I say outlandish blurbs of indication.  I give gifts right from the heart.  I laugh at your soliloquies. When you went in for a hug, I almost gave in discomfort.  I wish I had raised the white flag.  I don't know much, but I do know one thing. I want things to work out.   
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Vincent van Gogh

Me — i.e, jpenseur
Skeleton with a cigarette. We talk with no regret. My heart beats fast in a fishbowl. Yours evident from bone to bone. You bring joy from unexpected places. From texts to peculiar faces. I took a smoke to make some time. To wonder whether your question was benign. I go through the same eb and flows. The question of, am I in love? Or is it just the smoke?
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The Martyr

Me — i.e, jpenseur
I am always apologizing for my feelings. Always giving more than what's good for me. Acts. Always the martyr. Someone who is never at fault and always devout. False. I am forever condemned for knowing and seeing more. Holy, you preyed on that. You are false in every sense. Unfeeling. How could you make me carry it all? How dare you indulge in my love and present me with disdain. You have wronged me. May days be dry and lifeless. May thirst and hunger plague. May the mind run wild, driven to insanity. The soul that never finds peace. Agony. Despair. Guilt. Revelation.  Confess your sins. It's always his forgiveness. False.
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Prayed for religion.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
       I had a dream that the world was ending. I don't know what that's supposed to say about my psyche. All I know is that this particular dream felt so real. The sequence of events that transpired felt true to the world we have right now. My consciousness starts off with seeing a small orb in the sky; after I would say about thirty seconds, it implodes into a moon-like object; seventy percent of the sky looked like terrain; I vividly remember its craters; it truly looked as though it was a projection of our moon through a magnifying telescope. It was beautiful.  Despite the ordeal, not a single person was in a panic. Everyone was calm, living life as is. Unbothered by events that may/were to unfold.      I had a conversation with a familiar yet estranged person in my dream; we talked about how 'it's only going be a couple more hours.' I knew exactly what that meant; we were going to die. The scene then skips to the part where this conglomeratio...
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You can hate me.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
My words were strong, powerful, harsh even, but it was from deep within my heart. I'm always just someone you think about when you have to. If you only acknowledge me when we're face-to-face, I would rather not be acknowledged by you at all. There was never a time where you tried to reach out to me, it was always just me who made an effort. It felt exhausting wanting attention from you. The more we spoke, the more you unraveled. I started questioning whether you only keep me around because you like the attention. I spent many days questioning my value to you. The longer the thought marinated in my head, I realize that objectively, we add very little to each other's lives. We make each other happy, but that's not enough in this world. You would be so much better off with people that can build you up, and that works both ways.
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I'm afraid I'm slowly turning into a monster.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
I'm afraid I'm slowly turning into a  monster. I have so much anger inside me that sometimes It feels like It will just burst. It feels like unexploded ordnance, buried in all my overthinking and unpleasant interactions. It starts as frustration and stays that way until I eventually find myself pleading for a solution. When left with silence, my frustration morphs into a vicious flame of anger. I become very sensitive; agitated by everything. I put on a smile even though I'm screaming in my head. I've been thinking about what has been fueling these flames, and I realized that it's everything and everyone that's been abusing my kindness. What makes me the angriest are the hypocrites who say they care for me but harm me all the same. My soul is deteriorating, and this anger and agitation have been its way of self-preservation. For the past week, I've had to choose between being around people and being angry or avoiding people and feeling lonely. My brain prefe...
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You make room.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
I hope for you to know that whenever I was distant or seemingly disinterested, my only goal was that I didn't want to grow too attached. I knew it would be detrimental for both of us. I care about you so much that I made sure that I would never stand in the way of your goals, no matter how hurt I might become. I did all that for your sake, and it ruined me and our relationship. I was between a rock and a hard place. My mental state was being crushed. Eventually, I couldn't bear the weight, and so I figured that telling you would liberate me from all of it. When those words came out, I was crushed in a different way, the kind where I completely collapsed. Despite my initial sorrow, I saw good come out of the situation. I no longer have to carry such a large burden with a frail structure. I rebuilt myself; with a lot more durability and a lot more love. I have settled with what you could give me. My hope now is that I can win you back. I just want to see where that takes me, wher...
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Chinook pushing you away from where I want you to be.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
Whenever I see you, I'm called to do more and to be more in order to somehow pique your interest. To make you think that I'm a basket worth all your eggs. When we interact, it just feels so smooth and effortless, and I don't feel drained after conversations. When you speak, I can't help but admire you. I make an effort to listen even when my attention span is less than desirable; the net benefit for me just feels worth it. When you act all goofy, I want to just cover you in my arms. I daydream about how warm you would make me feel. I so deeply want to run my fingers along your hair and just take time to show you my affection. How wonderful would it be to be together? These, of course, are all just unrealistic desires. I know I can't be with you. There's just too great of a chinook pushing you away from where I want you to be. I do, however, appreciate that I can dream. 
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