December 29, you lost me. More so, I lost you, I guess. Both are incredible and saddening. More so saddening, I guess. I see all of what you are now, Facts, ideals and probabilities. You are not what you are cut out to be. I was blinded by love, I guess.

I feel like I've mastered likability. I'm just not sure if it's worth it. Despite the appearance of being a social butterfly, I'm actually quite lonely. Not only that, I've become shallow. My conversations have lost any deep meaning. I have this library in my head of facts about people I can use when there's nothing to talk about or I'm feeling socially anxious. You might think to yourself, wow, how genuine of this person to remember all these things about the people in their life. This person must really care. Don't let that fact fool you. Everything I know has a shelf life. I only ever keep what I need. I hate myself for it, but that's all I have ever been. I lost this sense of caring for others. When I'm approachable, that's because I save face. I like you because I don't want you to criticize how much of a psycho I am. I don't know how to chase relationships, just how to chase labels. I like being around people who make me feel as...

I feel like hostility comes from a place of constant hurt and discomfort. 

I love people, and I will never stop loving people, but I'm choosing to detach myself. It's not wrong of me to think individualistically. I feel the need to be selfish because there has never been a person in my life that has really left a mark of selflessness. Human beings, although social creatures are self-centred. I feel that almost no one can disagree. Life now is a losing game for givers. My perspective on how to live life right now is to enjoy my quiet successes, be selfish, and be humble. 

Sometimes, simply falling into humility can be the best thing you can do for yourself. I'm choosing just to be kind to the people who belittle and disregard me. In that way, at least I'll know for sure It's not me that's shitty. 

I feel like I have built such a robust avoidance mechanism of coping that I'm no longer challenging my comfort zone. I find that life is becoming increasingly difficult because I inflate everything wrong and everything that can go wrong. Because of that, I hide in this cave of safety. I know if I let issues pile on, I'll be trapped, but how can I leave when outside feels so monstrous? 

For someone who thinks a lot, I'm insensitive to the gravity of what I say and do. I feel so much sorrow when I think my affection gets in the way of people. I'm starting to realize that love can, at times, be malice. My brain tells me to feel shame while my heart cries out for liberation. I feel the need to apologize for loving. I feel the need to completely disappear.