Comfort, kindness, stability, and warmth. When you checked up on me out of the kindness of your heart, I felt a sort of attraction to you. That was unexpectedly pleasant. It made me think about how great you are. To be so bright, beautiful, intelligent, selfless. I think you are amazing. I wish for you to find every little piece of greatness meant for you. Thank you for making me smile. My heart is open to love again. 

I wonder what made me so intrigued. What made me want to offer up my entire being to you? I heard somewhere that we seek in others what we lack in our person. It made me think deeply about what it was that was missing.  I think the biggest reason why, I had the hardest time letting go was because, for once in my quiet life someone finally sees and hears me.  Someone finally understand me, and shared the same longings and disappointments from life I only kept at the back on my mind.  I felt relevant in a life I deemed nothing but checkpoints and milestones.  I guess I longer need you to be there for me to stand tall.

All these things that try to remind me of my hurt always resurface when I'm feeling a lot better. I now think of all these reminders as pointless coincidences because my new found self-awareness nullifies any sort fixation I had with loving the wrong people, and hating myself. I made peace with all of it. Everyone's actions and words, including mine. I made peace with not knowing what everybody thinks of me. I made peace with the idea that I'm not a good person in everyone's eyes, even though I actively try to be. Even though I'm no longer the person you might long for, that doesn't mean I'm undeserving of love.

Why do you feel perpetually sad, hopeless and confused? Why do you feel like life is void of all meaning? You work hard because you're hopeful than by doing so, you'll figure it all out. But some days you question it all. Is there even a point to this? The lines are blurred between a meaning life and a busy one. 

These days, I have been so disenchanted by the idea of love. I have been realizing how weak it could be. How it buckles under pressure. How it's disappointing when you have so much hope for it. Love isn't what I used to think it is. It's just another concept human beings seem to have failed miserably at. Love is a utopia, and utopias don't exist. 

Where there is bigotry, there is hate. So many who claim to know the truth about the expanse of existence are the biggest culprits. Why does no one realize that it's all indoctrination? My free mind stands against any belief system driven by an unyielding argument that theirs holds the perfect image of utopia. To condemn people because they don't conform to your restricting views about the world is disgusting. To cut off your ears and your heart because your ego cannot accept the possibility that a sacred text can be fallacious. Disgusting. No amount of utilitarian-driven narrative can justify that hate. Why does no one realize all of it is one giant manual of how to be the perfect domesticated sheep. Docile and never questioning. I fear the dangers that loom around this groupthink. We need to actively dismantle these systems before they escalate into a manic sort of extremism.  There should be no room in this world for people so blinded and void of logic. When is it ever okay ...

I have this thing on repeat inside my head. For the most part, I learned to tune it down. But lately it's been pretty loud. In fact, blaring at times. It's this perpetual question, what do you want from life? To sit there, and think about that, and have no trajectory or answer at all is kind of terrifying. To not know what I want from life, is like jumping into a void. Looking everywhere but seeing nothing. Feeling nothing. Becoming nothing. What do you want from life?