Today was a very happy day for me.  I don't often feel heightened joy, and the idea is so foreign to me. I think this day of revelation is worth remembering.  I can be sad but I can be very happy too.  There wasn't anything too outstanding but the energy was splendid . I felt at ease, and calm like a warm gentle breeze. I think sometimes I like being an observer just melding into my environment , admiring, and listening.

I think you just have to accept that some relationships are not always meant to be so close and it's not exlcusive to one type of relationship. Sometimes that metaphysical bond or glue that holds people together just fades or is no longer serving its purpose. Bonded to one side. I think you can still hold a lot of love for people even with the distance. 

Thinking about managing mine and other people's emotions is so tiring. I never know how much understanding and empathy to give to people. I think there's a fine line between giving someone the benefit of the doubt or enabling unpleasant behavior. Behavior that harms me.

 I'm cowardly. I can't face it. Why have I stopped trying. 

The autonomy to choose each other despite the fear of loss. Gentle and beautiful. 

I feel the need to withdraw from people sometimes, especially when they catch me off guard by their shadows. Sweating, rapid heartbeat, and diffulty breathing are all the common symptoms. My bedroom has a lot of natural light and so I give myself a break sometimes. Closing my eyes, bathing in sunlight and listening to Elliot Smith . Self-preservation , because the world is cruel to a logician . Tears , because I have a hard time coping with needing self-preservation. Paint , because tears and self-preservarion means I don't have to be an ugly person in cruel world. 

It's not fair to yourself to fixate on other's actions, or lack of. Let them be as they are. Let them do as they please. Live your life in service to yourself.