For the longest time I believed that I needed to find somebody I can raise up like a torch to feel fulfilled. I made it goal. Holding on to a person whose light will guide me to where I should be in all facets of life. I'm now living outside of that belief system. Everyone who I sought out to be my light never really glowed as brightly as I did. I can be so self-deprocating, dependent, and insecure that I muddy the lens from which I shine. Life must be dark when I choose myself over other people. It must be hard to grow sunflowers in the empty lot I used to be. You must grieve the moon you knew to be the sun. 

 I didn't do much of anything productive today. I just rested, but I feel bad for it. Objectively, it's very distopian that I'm conditioned to feel like this when I'm overworked. 

 Depression hates a moving target.

One day, I'll be someone people will not know. In some ways it's comforting. In other ways it's really scary and lonely. I'll chnage but I'll always hold the memories. 

I will have lots of tasks in the coming days. Friendly reminder, you CAN do it. You are intelligent, kind, witty, awesome, and hardworking. If you focus you CAN. 

 I wonder if I'll ever meet someone that is resonate with in a deeper level. I have been thinking about it's been so long since I felt love that reaches all corners of my soul. Love that's boundless, full, and complete. 

I have been pushing myself to do everything that I know will give me the satisfaction of accomplishment. It's been quite the adventure this past week. I am proud to say I can do it all. All the things I know to do exhaust me but I quickly get over it because  I know it will be worth it. Success reaches out its hand to me and I grip on it hard.